Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
