I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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