You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
