If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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