I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
