yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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