So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
