No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
