My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
