her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
