phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
