We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
