i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Well I just put wine in my tea
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
