My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
