I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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