Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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