We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
