youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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