I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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