Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
