Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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