It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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