If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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