quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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