she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
