I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
