ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
