apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
