My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
