u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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