You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
