First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
i now understand why vodka
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
