I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
