are you still at the devil's house?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
