Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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