Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
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