I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
