I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
