ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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