Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize