Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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