Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
