Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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