and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
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