He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
