She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My pussy is not your playground.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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