Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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