I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
