He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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