I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
