This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
