i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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