im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
