So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
